Growing up, I had similar experiences of conditional love.
My parents were very good with material stuff - being providers.
But their love was conditional. If I went to church, got good grades, behaved, and obeyed, there was peace. If I tried to assert my individuality, it would disturb my mother, who excessively worried what people would think about her. If I upset my father, there would be physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.
I didn't get to be me - I had to be what they wanted me to be to gain access to their love and to avoid drama. But I liked being me and I did not want to be the way they wanted me to be.
So I learned to manipulate. At 12.
Not to get over on them or hurt anybody, but just so I could be myself - at least inside - without being punished for it.
You write very well. It was easy to relate to what you described.
Growing up, I had similar experiences of conditional love.
My parents were very good with material stuff - being providers.
But their love was conditional. If I went to church, got good grades, behaved, and obeyed, there was peace. If I tried to assert my individuality, it would disturb my mother, who excessively worried what people would think about her. If I upset my father, there would be physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.
I didn't get to be me - I had to be what they wanted me to be to gain access to their love and to avoid drama. But I liked being me and I did not want to be the way they wanted me to be.
So I learned to manipulate. At 12.
Not to get over on them or hurt anybody, but just so I could be myself - at least inside - without being punished for it.
You write very well. It was easy to relate to what you described.
Stay strong.
Thank you!